Life Lessons I've learned

Nebraska’s state motto The Good Life is a goal that I think all people would like to achieve.  No one wants to lead a life highlighted by struggles and failures.  Of course we will all have trials and make mistakes, but there are ways of improving our circumstances.  God gave us each a purpose and it isn’t to suffer, so we should use our hearts and our brains for our own benefit and for that of others.  I came to Kenya not with the goal of fixing, changing or saving this place.  It isn’t needed or wanted.  Any change must come from within.  I came to Kenya on a quest for understanding.  I came with little expectations to meet, discover and learn about new people, their culture and the factors that affect and influence their lives.  On this journey, I’ve learned far more than I could have imagined when I embarked.  I’ve learned simple things like how to cook ugali, how to mop the floor with a rag, how pineapples grow, how tea gets to our lips, the tools for basic conversations in two new languages, and how to take bucket baths.  Apart from these things, I’ve also been blessed to have learned profound lessons that I will carry with me as I continue to go through life as well as deepened my belief in other life lessons.  Some follow:

#1: On a rainy evening, while preparing supper over the fire, I was asked if I knew how to make a cake.  I explained that I did (as I made cake many times in Germany), but that I could not do it without an oven.  They inquired the process and which ingredients were needed, insisting that the lack of an oven would not be an issue.  They could use a jiko and put a lid topped with coals over the sufuria (pot) to act as an oven.  “Can you make a cake for us?” they inquired again.  “Yes,” I reaffirmed.  I was then brought the ingredients I’d named: sugar, eggs, flour, etc. and was told to prepare the batter.  As I began estimating the proper ratio of ingredients, the cup and spoon were taken from my hands and I was told, “That is not the way to make a cake.  You must remove a lot of sugar like this.”  I watched as three cups of sugar and two kilograms of flour were dumped into the sufuria before me.  I felt frustrated and upset wondering why I was asked for help, asked to do something and then told that I was wrong.  The process took a long time and eventually the cake was finished.  It turned out to be okay, unlike any cake I’ve ever tasted and denser than any I’ve ever eaten, nevertheless edible.  This and numerous other incidents taught me: People don’t always want your help/advice/input when they ask for it.  (They may have already closed their mind although they are unable to admit this even to themselves).  If they don’t accept it (and their request was merely words or habit), don’t take it personally or allow yourself to get frustrated, simply move on.

#2: Although I knew this before coming here, countless incidents have reminded me and strengthened my belief that if we are to move forward, we must learn to say, “I am responsible,” and take not try to push the blame on others.  At times when my pupils have many incorrect answers on their assignments, I ask myself, “What is wrong with my pupils?”  But, then I must remember, that perhaps I failed to give them enough examples or to find a route of explanation that made sense to them.  I tire of listening to people constantly accusing and blaming others when they can’t find something, when something is unclean or the outcome of a task/project does not meet their expectations.  Do not blame others without evidence.  Take responsibility.

#3: A class six boy, was always snickering in class and covering his mouth.  I was a bit irritating to me, as the teacher at the front of the room with that distraction.  Sometimes he wasn’t in class for a few days.  He rarely received high marks on his papers or exams.  It would be easy to assume that this boy was rude or lazy, or simply did not care to pay attention.  However; that would be oversimplifying the issue and not looking at the situation.  I was patient with the boy, although I heard comments about him from some of the other students and teachers.  It was only after a few months that he opened up to me and I discovered that he had lost both of his parents by the age of four, was living in a small mud hut, and would walk a long ways through the mud each morning to school after doing many chores in his limited time outside of school.  I  think his laughing was just a coping mechanism, for an extremely troubled young man, trying not to let anyone know the pain he sometimes feels.  Don’t assume you know anything about a person before you take the time to really get to know the person. 

#4: As I reflect on my life thus far, I realize that my life isn’t really my story.  It is the stories of others intersecting with my own; others making marks on my life.  The success of every person is the product of support from others.  I have many people to thank for my accomplishments.  I had a grandma who was a great listener.  I had an aunt who gave me a gift—a poem entitled “If it is to be, it is up to me”—a small gift but it meant a great deal to me as a junior high students and I still cherish that poem.  I have passed it on to others.  I had friends in college who demonstrated the importance of generosity and relationships with others.  Because of those people and many others, I was able to come to Kenya to listen to people when they needed someone to listen, to encourage people when they need it, to give to others without keeping track of the cost and expecting repayment, and to build relationships.  Many will never know of their impact on my, just as I know I have merely planted seeds here and will not have the opportunity to see them flourish.  A few pupils recently told me a few things that they learned from me—things that surprised me.  It hit me that these sixth graders valued some of the lessons I didn’t even know I was teaching them.  We never know the extent of the ripple-effect of the kindness shown to another person.

#5: It isn’t always easy to know someone’s true character, and since we are ever-evolving, we are always becoming ourselves.  These months in Kenya have been the best of my international travels.  Of course many factors played into this and there have been challenges, but I think a big factor is experience in interacting with diverse groups of people and in becoming me.  The first time I travelled internationally was to Slovakia as and English Teaching Assistant and to help launch an outreach program at an orphanage.  It was an overwhelming time of firsts:  It was my first time in an airplane—let alone in an airport, first time someplace where people spoke a language apart from English, and my first time to discover that different cultures have different values.  A year later, I went to Germany and having been fairly sheltered and not having had much confrontation with people whose values and lifestyles conflicted with my own, I was lost.  I did a lot of things that I would not do again, mostly because I didn’t know who I was.  I was searching for myself.  After Slovakia and Germany, I continued to travel.  Peru.  Germany.  South Korea.  Now Kenya.  In each of these places I’ve met and interacted with a number of people.  Some places are more comfortable for a person than others, but I think one of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned through living in various places is: Be yourself and spend time with people who let you do just that.  Life is much simpler that way.

#6: There have been so many moments, when I’ve felt overwhelmed and didn’t know how I would accomplish something.  Unlike the title of Chinua Achebe’s “Things fall apart,”  I’d have to say, Things always come together.  When a task seems overwhelming, pray about it.  Take it one step at a time.  One moment at a time.

#7: Being a people-pleaser, I used to be unable to tell someone “no” when they requested something of me.  At times when I wasn’t sure about responsibilities involved in a job I was asked to do, I didn’t ask and I certainly didn’t offer suggestions.  Here, in Kenya, I’ve had a lot of responsibility placed on me and I’m thankful that I express my honest feelings about various matters and requests.  Although I still at times don’t know whether communication problems are due to language barriers or cultural misinterpretations, (and there have been plenty such instances), I know I’ve been much happier and less stressed because I have learned to Say “no” when you don’t want (to do) something, offer suggestions, ask questions and make requests.  Self-expression is necessary for effective communication and happiness.  There are plenty of other people who can try their abilities or use their talents, when you feel like too much is being asked of you.  

#8: Dealing with others can be challenging, especially when you want to be of assistance, but do not necessarily know what would be the most help.  I’ve learned that People usually tell you the truth if you are patient and listen very carefully—not just with your ears, but with all of your senses.  (Look into their eyes and see their soul.)  If you don’t listen with all of your senses, you’ll hear what they think you want to hear.  Several teachers had talked about their desire for the pupils to have books and I agreed that it was good.  The kids love any books that they can get their hands on.  I did listen to them and never made suggestions.  I asked them what they thought would be of benefit to the school and waited nearly 3 months to get a response from them.  I approached the school director

asking him for his opinion on what the school could use and what he thought about books.  He said we should get books start a library.  Had I really listened, I would have known that the school director was more interested in other things than in seeing that the children had a functioning organized little library and could use the books.  He has delayed on purchasing a lock for the cupboard and does not seem to care about how well they are taken care of.  Fortunately other teachers do care.  I’m still learning to listen, but it is helping me to become a better judge of people and of situations. 

#9: As I go to board a matatu, I hear people speaking about me in Kiswahili and Kalenjin, saying I only speak English and that I won’t be able to sit in some uncomfortable position…this all because I am of European descent, so am obviously a visitor.  Neighbours seem surprised when they see me sweeping, washing dishes or clothes or cooking.  “She can do work?!” I hear them ask.  Sometimes people make judgments about you based on your appearance without taking the time to get to know you.  Don’t let that discourage you or make you bitter and cynical. It can be frustrating, but then, what good is it to be annoyed.  Some people will always judge a book by its cover.  They’ll miss out on a lot that way.

#10: I disagree with caning, but people must be held accountable.  I used other methods of dealing with pupils who did not do their work, but being as that is the most accepted form of punishment here, and parents cane their children at home, I understand why teachers must take such actions.  When you love someone you, you must show them that you care (even when it’s not easy).  Show them that you expect something of them and that you believe they can achieve it.

#11: I’d heard stories of others who had travelled to Africa, that they were followed by children, but I hadn’t really understood.  I was not prepared for the way that I would be followed, gawked at, called to, and touched.  I was astonished by the reactions of children and adults alike when I first arrived, but thought that their fascination with the muzungu would fade after a week.  Here I am 7 months later, and they are still just as fascinated.  Each day as I walk out of the house, I hear calls to Muzungu or to Chepchumindet.  I am touched on the face, the hands, the neck, and the hair, by people wanting to see if I feel the same.  I am at times pinched, to see if I feel pain.  At times this can be frustrating and I just want to hide myself away or scold someone.  Yes, I am human.  Sometimes I just want to feel like a normal person.  Then I remember that Your attitude has a huge impact on your perspective.  If you’re unhappy—change the situation or your attitude.  It would be easy to refuse to greet anyone, to refuse to shake hands or smile, but that would be unfair.  I can’t make these people less curious.  It is better that I just accept them the way they are and smile and laugh to myself about how funny it is that they continue to be so intrigued. 

#12:  Entrusting someone with a little bit of power, taking a chance on them and showing you believe in them can make all the difference.  People were often complaining that the little girl was too playful and not serious or responsible.  They didn’t give her any tasks that she might botch.  She saw this.  I decided to take the risk and ask her to do bigger things.  She rose to the challenge and never failed me.  We developed a friendship and she was always eager to help me out.   

#13: Nothing is permanent.  Be generous and flexible.  Clothes get stained.  Papers get wet.  Items may not be returned.  The economy my plummet.  Crops may be damaged by hail or animals.  Homes may be burglarized.  Share.  Time comes and goes.  There is often a ‘next time.’

#14: We can never really know what we are capable of—good or bad—until confronted with difficult situations.  I saw both of these sides of myself during this time here.  I am ashamed to admit, that after barely escaping being clubbed by a drunk man, that when filing the police report, I agreed to go along with the corrupt system and let the police beat the man rather than returning to attend court (which could take months and several sittings).  On the other side, I didn’t know that I would carry a dirty, terrified child some distance and comfort her as she fled from an unknown danger and was shaking uncontrollably.

#15: Take time for people.  Make relationships your focus.  If you take time for people, they will take time for you.  Things don’t last, so don’t invest in work.  It’s the people you are there for who will help you out when you need someone to lean on.