Aprill's Anecdotes: Debunking Beliefs About the Dowry

One of my host brothers will be getting married in a few months. The Kipsigis, as do all Kenyan tribes, have some form of dowry that is paid by the groom’s family to the bride’s family. During these past weeks, the dowry negotiations, viewing of the dowry and celebration of it have taken place.

When I came here, I had an ethnocentric and negative perspective of the dowry system, that I would venture to guess I shared with many Americans—a view that a dowry was demeaning by comparing a woman to animals or whatever the “payment” was and a way of buying her. While I still do not care for the way it is always phrased that “a woman is married off”, I have come to see the dowry in a new light.

Among the Kipsigis cattle are the central part of the dowry, as those animals have played an important role in this culture over the centuries. The negotiations take place at the bride’s home. Only the men are allowed to be present…meaning the fathers and uncles of the two who are to be married (The groom is excluded). Shortly after an agreement has been reached, the bride’s father and uncles go to the home of the groom to see the items that have been promised. At this gathering, the groom is also present and many speeches are given. They will also eat at the home in celebration.

This weekend, more than 20 men were at the home for this event. Women are also not present for this part of the marriage ritual. I was moved in and out of the kitchen with the other women, preparing food and washing dishes, while peeking out the window to see how the event was carrying on. In this particular event, a bull, a cow and two calves, along with three sheep and some money were offered.

At the end of the ceremony during the farewell speeches, I was invited along with the mother, grandmother and an aunt to join them. Each person expressed gratitude towards the other side and praised God for the relationships being formed. They also made a point to explain that the dowry is not a way of buying her, but a way of expressing gratitude to her family for allowing her to become a part of the groom’s family…a token of appreciation.

After seeing the dowry, the bride’s family may come at any time to take it with them. The dowry will then go to her parents. Then the women…the mothers and aunts can celebrate themselves on one day.

Although I find the customs a bit constraining and formal, I’m learning to see them in a new way, as a gentle and humble action, rather than a hard one.